Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
