I'm lost and stupid without you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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