Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
