after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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