i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
