At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
