I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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