I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I will pee on everything he values.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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