just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas