There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
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me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
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He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.