Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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