just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
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her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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