Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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