Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
