does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
