Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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