Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
