I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
