Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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