she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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