She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
