i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
