Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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