went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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