I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
