I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
