I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I intend to get homeless drunk
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
