I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
