this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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