Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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