The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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