My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
