Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
