My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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