we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
