You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
