girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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