This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
