I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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