he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
