i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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