Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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