My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
