I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
