I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
cat food counts as protein by the way
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
