every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
