i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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