My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
