I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
