I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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