Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
