I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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