i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
