A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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