The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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